Surprise, Suprise May 21, 2008

We had some house drama this afternoon.  I was terrified that we might have to walk away.  Thankfully, Master has decided its no big deal, we’ll make it work.  It’s a little different way we have to go about the needed repairs for the mortgage but no big deal at all.  I was so nervous about it, all options frankly sucked.  Master however, surprised me with His calmness and attitude.  I was preparing myself to submit to whatever He decided, and of course, preparing for the worst.  How is it after 8 years, He can still surprise me so?  I’m a very lucky slavegirl.

A very public thanks to my dear friend Robin, you really helped talked me down from a rather overdramatic state of mind.

 

No Mail Call May 20, 2008

We celebrated 8 years as Owner and property over the weekend.  It was very low key but no less wonderful.  I’m ever so grateful that 8 years ago Master came to Pittsburgh to collect me as His property.

For the last 8 years Master has opened the mail, giving me what He felt was appropriate.  I’ve never really given it a second thought.  Like in all things, I trust Master do to what He feels is right, the mail is no different.  Nothing can bring me back down to realizing that I’m property quicker than realizing that He throws mail away on occasion without telling me about it.  How’s that for a quick lesson on your status?  Taking someone’s mail is a federal offense for most folks, but around here all mail no matter whose name is on the address label is Master’s period.

No matter how long I’ve been a slave, every once in a while something happens that is a real snap to my thinking.  This mail thing was such a thing.  Maybe that’s a symptom of loving M/s relationships.  Master does love me and sometimes, while I never doubt that I am very much His slave, I let myself get sucked into the love/girlfriend feelings and then am shocked back to reality with His actions that show me that I am His property, period.

Mail call around here isn’t when the postman comes by but whenever Master decides it is so.  As property, I know I’m not entitled to my mail and honestly I’m grateful that Master handles everything that comes our way, however; sometimes things occur that make me stop and really feel what it means to be owned property not girlfriend or even woman.

Unspoken Communication May 16, 2008

I think I’m very intune with my Master.  We’ve been together a little while now (8 years tomorrow), so we have enough experience with each other to read body language, emotions, etc.  Its amazing to me sometimes the amount of communication that goes on without speaking.

Master is deaf in one ear, so sometimes He has a hard time hearing people, especially in places where there is a lot of background noise.  He has a way of looking at me when He didn’t quite hear what was said, that lets me know to repeat it to Him.  I can tell right away what He needs and I know how to help, I like that and so does He.

When Master is stressed or overwhelmed, I feel it.  I take it on and try to find ways to bring pleasure and offer help, when appropriate.  When Master is sad, I weep.  When His father died, I felt that sadness so deeply for Him.  When Master is happy, I laugh with the gladness.  There is, of course, “the look” too, but that’s not what this post is about.

I take it all on, as if its my own emotions coming from within.  This is a blessing and a curse.  It means I’m deeply in tune with my Master, which is good.  It also means, I’m not sure how to handle my own emotions sometimes without His lead, and that can be bad.  I can be exceedingly happy, however; if He’s stressed or overwhelmed my own happiness is overshadowed.  Conversely, if I’m sad, His happiness overshadows my sadness bringing me joy.

I suppose in the end, that’s my job.  Help absorb Master’s life so that I can bring Him pleasure and joy and in some way make His life a little easier.  The trick for me is make sure that I help in a way that is submissive and not in a way that leads to me doing things in the guise of helping that get in the way of obedience and submission.

Typical Day May 15, 2008

A typical weekday for me starts at 4:30 AM, and I hit the ground running.  A typical day for me starts with making coffee (can any day start without making coffee?), then while it brews I go to the gym and work out.  I come home shower, fix breakfast for Master and I, pack our lunches, get ready for work, etc.  Master and I chat a lot in the mornings, plan, etc.  We both go to work and both get home around 5:30.  I make dinner and the night can take on various directions, generally there’s some kind of service for Master, chores, etc. then bed. 

Weekends invariably take on different forms.  Master likes to have coffee in bed on weekends while I worship His feet and cock before starting the days.  Weekends are full of chores, hobbies, and fun.

These days aren’t exactly the fantasy of days I thought would be the life of a slave, before I was one.  I thought my typical days would look so much different, so less ordinary.  However, as I get closer to the anniversary of my 8th year as Master’s slave, I know that the typical fantasy day doesn’t hold a candle to the typical ordinary day I live.  I’m so grateful for all the ordinary, even if our ordinary is still a little left of center.

 

Obedience May 14, 2008

Sometimes things don’t go the way I think they shouldSometimes Master doesn’t do things the way I think they should be done.  I had the brief notion today that I would just do it the way I wanted, deliberately deceive Master and pay for something I think should happen.  Oy, what a nightmare thinking process for a slave.  Good thing it was just a brief notion that I didn’t follow through on.  I quickly eventually got myself back on track, but the urge to do something that Master didn’t want was strong, simply because I believed it was right.  I’m human, I’m obedient, but that doesn’t stop my mind from concocting plans to wrestle back into submission later.  Paying for something with His money without His prior knowledge is something I’ve never done in eight years and I don’t want to imagine the consequences should I try it now.

Sometimes obedience is its own reward, that’s a cliche I see all the time online, and sometimes its true.  I’m glad I chose the obedient/submissive route, otherwise it could have ruined something very special to me.  I’m not good at deceit anyway and would have confessed by now because the guilt would have eaten me up.  Still its good to remember that without obedience the rest of it, this relationship, this lifestyle, is impossible.

Anxious May 10, 2008

We’ve been approved by the seller’s bank.  Now, the entire inspection process begins, hopefully that holds no suprises and we can close by June 10th.  Its an interesting time, the amount of times I’ve had to bite my tongue has been amazing.

I’m anxious and excited, I focus on all the great things that could happen (huge garden, better pantry space, extra shop space for Master (possibly dungeon space).  Master thinks about all the things that could go wrong, He’s worried about different things and while I understand they are valid concerns, I worry less and maybe thats just because I want it so much.

I’m trying to remain focused on just what’s in front of me and not to get too far ahead.  In that light, today I’m baking sourdough bread, canning some homemade chicken stock, starting some beef stock from bones that I’ve been saving in the freezer, and possibly finishing some sewing projects.  Master has other things He wants to do and this will keep me out of HIs hair and yet serving His home.

 

Caffeine Drip, Please May 7, 2008

We still don’t have approval from the seller’s bank.  I hate the waiting.  I Hate the Waiting!  In the meantime, we’re moving ahead as if its ours, working on getting bids for improvement work, etc. 

The amount of work, phone calls, paperwork, etc. is overwhelming and the majority of it falls on me.  Master doesn’t have a job that allows for phone calls, call backs, etc., I do and as Master’s slave and assistant that’s my job.  It’s a lot to juggle I don’t mind saying.  There’s just so much to do and sometimes when I hit a brick wall, I don’t know where to go next or need to wait for Master’s call/direction losing time and momentum.  Oy, why are all the deadlines so tight on real estate deals, except for the foreclosing bank’s approval? They have the gold so they make the rules, I suppose.  In the end, I have great faith that everything will or won’t happen as its supposed too, but at the same time my patience is wearing thin with the seller’s bank.

All this juggling of extra duties into an already full daily schedule, got me thinking about laziness and slavery.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no room for laziness in slavery or at least in the type of service slavery my Master requires.  My job is to do what Master requires without worrying about being tired or stressed or overwhelmed.  I am to keep Master informed at all times and He’ll remove things if He sees its getting to be too much, but in the meantime its not for me to complain or whine or even yawn.  I just need to suck it up and somehow hook myself up to a caffeine drip until the time for rest arrives.

I don’t mind hard work and by nature I’m not lazy, but the lifestyle isn’t the fantasy of being caged with nothing to do but wait to be used for Master’s pleasure and locked away again.  Slavery is work and Master as boss is way more demanding than the boss who signs my paycheck.  It comes down to focus, as most everything does for me.  I have to keep focused on my duties as Master’s property and our goals whether its M/s goals or property ownership goals. 

Later… May 4, 2008

What a difference a few hours can make!  We’re both extremely excited and just planning, planning, planning for that new home…

Stress May 4, 2008

It’s been a stressful week.  Master and I made an offer on a house, the same day 2 other couples made an offer on the house.  We accepted the seller’s counter offer and found out yesterday that we have one more hoop to go through before we can move forward to the inspection and eventual closing processes.  We have to be approved by the seller’s bank and that should happen on Monday.  We already have pre-approvals from two different mortgage companies so we know we can move forward, that and the house is way less than what we were approved for, financing wise.

The house needs work, work we felt was doable.  It’s almost a one acre lot, perfect for a large garden.  There’s a two car garage with a large shop for Master.  It seems perfect, barring any surprises during the inspection.

Now, the stress of it all is setting in, however.  Master is stressed, overwhelmed perhaps with all that needs doing, His stress of course only feeds my stress level.  As Master’s slave, I want to make it better.  I want to make His life easier, stress-free, and of course extremely pleasurable.  Now, I know that life isn’t all chocolate and roses, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it was so.   Obviously, I can’t remove all of Master’s worries, but I lay awake at night thinking of ways to make Him happy, to remove these stresses. 

I’m sure this is a reflection of my own insecurities but, I feel like I’ve failed in someway when Master is stressed.  Master doesn’t say that or even hint at it, its something made up in my own mind, but it is powerful.  I have always struggled with feeling like I’m not doing enough, that somehow I should do more, be better and its in these instances that the feelings really rise to the surface no matter how well I’ve kept it controlled in the mean time. 

I am confident, that once we know from the bank tomorrow and we can just start moving a lot of this will pass.  It’s the waiting that makes everything go wonky inside our heads, once we start getting busy there’s no time to worry, or at least I hope so.   

Becoming April 25, 2008

(I’m moving from another blog host, so I’m going to post some of my favorite entries here now and then)

I’ve spent a great deal of time lately thinking about the woman and slave i want to be. This should go without saying, but of course, i want to be the woman and the slave Master wants me to be first and foremost. In the end only His satisfaction truly matters because in His satisfaction, His happiness, i find my own.

Lately things seem to be clicking more for me, things i’ve wanted, the woman i’ve always wanted to be are happening. In thinking about that i realize that alot of that is true because of the positive reinforcement, discipline, and freedom granted me through my slavery and Master’s guidance. i’m a bit of an idealist (ok a huge idealist) and a dreamer, i come up with all sorts of plans and ideas for different things. However, historically i have lacked discipline to make any of it come true. Master helps me formulate plans, guides me into what is realistic and what kind of time & money He’s willing to let me put into something. When i get excited about new shelving or garden layouts, He helps me with the mechanics of it all and makes sure that everything is stable and safe. He makes sure i understand the commitment involved and generally allows me to move forward unless the idea is too costly for the return, dangerous or unfeasible. i honestly think one of Master’s biggest jobs is protecting me from myself.

The thing i’m learning is that the woman i’ve always wanted to be for the most part is exactly the woman He wants and the woman He encourages to grow. He’s given me the freedom to not worry about anything and turn it over to Him. Do i still worry, of course sometimes but it’s less then ever before. He’s given me the freedom and the rule to express myself, my hopes, my dreams, my fears without the fear of being rejected or degraded for them in fact i’m more highly treasured when i do.

He reinforces my getting fit/loosing weight routine just by constantly letting me know how good i’m doing. He provides discipline with small lectures and not letting me sleep in and missing a work out, even though my own desire to do so rarely happens. He reinforces my desire to be a good homemaker and slave by on occasion calling me after He eats His packed lunch letting me know how good it was. He provides structure and discpline so that i don’t overbook my time and can take great pleasure in packing His lunch or cleaning His home. The simple words “good girl” that come from Him during a new or difficult task give me enough positive reinforcement to try harder, to do better.

Master’s rules, discipline, and of course punishment when necessary guide me into becoming the slave He desires, the slut that craves His cock, the little girl that lives for making Him smile, the assitant whose only desire to serve and make His life easier. Yet in the process of living to serve and please Him, i’ve discovered the woman i’ve always wanted to be. i’m the gardener, the homemaker, the baker, the (very) small business owner, the quilter, the seamstress, and so much more.