Difficult Submission May 22, 2008

The house stuff yesterday got me thinking about difficult submission.  So often, people think its the sex, humiliation, pain stuff that’s the most difficult to submit too.  I know that’s the stuff that fuels the fantasies of both Masters and slaves, but from my experience those aren’t nearly as difficult as some of the bigger life stuff or the little stupid stuff a person would never even think about.  The sex, humiliation, pain stuff is difficult but its also erotic, and its that sensuality that makes it doable.

Its submitting to the big life stuff you couldn’t possibly have predicted before you agreed to be His slave that really throws a slave for a loop.  Its submitting to His desires even though you passionately want to do the opposite.  Its sucking it up and dealing and not acting like a child that takes real determination and commitment.  Dealing with the fact that Master’s decision to make an offer or not on a home that you really love is up to Him alone, and you’re going to have to deal with that no matter what takes some serious resolve and tongue biting.

It’s the little stuff too.  It’s dealing with the fact that He’s drinking all that fresh pressed apple cider and not caring one single bit if you as His slave gets any.  It’s dealing with the fact that things aren’t fair, and you can’t really go about stomping your feet and slamming doors when you don’t get your own way.  Its the suffering in silence because you know the whining won’t get you anywhere fast, anyway that is a billion times more difficult than suffering some new humiliation that turns Him on.

As a slave, I’m fully aware of what I’ve agreed to and am 100% sure of who and what I am, that doesn’t mean it always comes easily.  I’m still human and while I do want what Master wants, sometimes I want what I want too, and its the fear that He won’t care about what I want that scares me every now and then.  Its amazing how the dread factor is always worse than the actual situation.  I was so sure yesterday that I knew how Master would react that the 90 minutes before I could talk to Him was pure torture, in the most un-entertaining way possible.  When I was able to talk to Master, He proved once again why He is a capable Master and once again I need to trust in Him and lay things at His feet, before getting myself all worked up.

Unspoken Communication May 16, 2008

I think I’m very intune with my Master.  We’ve been together a little while now (8 years tomorrow), so we have enough experience with each other to read body language, emotions, etc.  Its amazing to me sometimes the amount of communication that goes on without speaking.

Master is deaf in one ear, so sometimes He has a hard time hearing people, especially in places where there is a lot of background noise.  He has a way of looking at me when He didn’t quite hear what was said, that lets me know to repeat it to Him.  I can tell right away what He needs and I know how to help, I like that and so does He.

When Master is stressed or overwhelmed, I feel it.  I take it on and try to find ways to bring pleasure and offer help, when appropriate.  When Master is sad, I weep.  When His father died, I felt that sadness so deeply for Him.  When Master is happy, I laugh with the gladness.  There is, of course, “the look” too, but that’s not what this post is about.

I take it all on, as if its my own emotions coming from within.  This is a blessing and a curse.  It means I’m deeply in tune with my Master, which is good.  It also means, I’m not sure how to handle my own emotions sometimes without His lead, and that can be bad.  I can be exceedingly happy, however; if He’s stressed or overwhelmed my own happiness is overshadowed.  Conversely, if I’m sad, His happiness overshadows my sadness bringing me joy.

I suppose in the end, that’s my job.  Help absorb Master’s life so that I can bring Him pleasure and joy and in some way make His life a little easier.  The trick for me is make sure that I help in a way that is submissive and not in a way that leads to me doing things in the guise of helping that get in the way of obedience and submission.

Obedience May 14, 2008

Sometimes things don’t go the way I think they shouldSometimes Master doesn’t do things the way I think they should be done.  I had the brief notion today that I would just do it the way I wanted, deliberately deceive Master and pay for something I think should happen.  Oy, what a nightmare thinking process for a slave.  Good thing it was just a brief notion that I didn’t follow through on.  I quickly eventually got myself back on track, but the urge to do something that Master didn’t want was strong, simply because I believed it was right.  I’m human, I’m obedient, but that doesn’t stop my mind from concocting plans to wrestle back into submission later.  Paying for something with His money without His prior knowledge is something I’ve never done in eight years and I don’t want to imagine the consequences should I try it now.

Sometimes obedience is its own reward, that’s a cliche I see all the time online, and sometimes its true.  I’m glad I chose the obedient/submissive route, otherwise it could have ruined something very special to me.  I’m not good at deceit anyway and would have confessed by now because the guilt would have eaten me up.  Still its good to remember that without obedience the rest of it, this relationship, this lifestyle, is impossible.