The Chaos that is Moving June 11, 2008

Moving and remodeling is taking up all of my time these days on top of work, serving Master, etc…. It’s overwhelming, exciting, and fantastic all at once.  With all of the packing and boxes, etc., things are bound to be misplaced.

Recently, Master couldn’t find His lighter.  It was no ordinary lighter, it was a Zippo that I gave Him the day He landed in Pittsburgh and we met for the first time.  I had it engraved with the words “Jeff’s Property”.  He used to smoke then and the lighter seemed so appropriate.  He hasn’t smoked for the last 6 years but still uses the lighter on occasion.  He thought He’d lost it over the weekend, I told Him at one point it’s ok to lose the lighter but not the slave while reassuring Him it’d turn up as we unpacked, etc.  He found it yesterday in His glove box and called me at work to let me know. 

In our relationship, Master and I do love each other, but there’s no doubt that I am very much His property.  I know my place (most of the time).  It is nice to know, however; that things like the lighter mean a lot to Him and in turn touch me too. 

Blog posts and reading will be very light until we get settled.

Personal Assistant June 4, 2008

It looks like we are going to close tomorrow afternoon on the house!  The sellers were able to make arrangements with all the lien holders, to sell the house free and clear.  We are excited and nervous all at the same time.

For the last 6 1/2 years, Master and I have been trailer trash.  We’ve been living in a trailer that we own on a rented lot.  While I had a billion reservations when we first moved in, the living expenses were cheap and allowed us to save enough money for the down payment and still have a reserve in savings for emergencies.  It ended up being a wonderful place to call home, Master was right (no surprise there).  We put a for sale ad in the paper two weeks ago, and last night we had two offers on the place.  I completely understand why people use Realtors, after this experience.  It’s so hard not to get wrapped up in people’s stories.  It has to be easier not to get to know potential buyers, even briefly, so that you don’t want to make things easier for them some how.  Apparently both Master and I have larger softer sides than even we realized.

Master asked me to call the lower of the two potential buyers this morning and give her the bad news.  He new that is was a horrible task, but what good is a slave if you can’t make her do things you don’t want too?  I called this morning, and blessedly, got her voice mail.  I left a message and figure that’s the end of that.

I also spent a bit of time setting up the new utility accounts, ordering new windows, and setting up the few workmen we’ve hired to help us do some repair work.  It’s so exciting and overwhelming, but just having the forward motion is a comfort.  We plan on staying in our trailer through the end of the month to do the repair, cleaning, and painting before moving in.

Being Master’s personal assistant is a huge part of my slave “job description” sometimes its quite pleasant and sometimes not so much.  The interesting thing is, that in doing alot of these tasks I feel closer to them, more like they are somehow just as much mine.  The house is in both our names, but there is no doubt in my mind to whom it belongs.  Its good that I take pride and ownership of my tasks and doing them well for Master, however; its a good reminder to keep myself humble and remember who does have the final say around here.

Three Day Weekend Kickoff May 24, 2008

Yesterday afternoon we got the title insurance report on the house we’re trying to buy.  Turns out the sellers have more liens on the property than anyone was expecting, except for maybe them and they just failed to tell their realtor or ours.  The liens amount to more than the selling price, if they can’t figure out a way to pay off the debts or make arrangements with their creditors we will have to walk away from the house, because we aren’t taking on their debt.  Oddly, we’re at a place of peace about it.  Master said not to worry, we’ll find something else if this fails.  In the meantime we’re thinking positively and not letting this turn ruin a three day weekend.

A three day weekend that we kicked off by going to a bar last night.  This is maybe the third time in 8 years that we’ve gone out to have a few beers.  A few beers that quickly had me buzzed, its amazing how low my tolerance is!  The beer did make me sleep really well after a quick romp with Master, however.  This morning we started out with some spanking and blow jobs before taking aspirin and inhaling coffee followed by hitting the farmers market and a few yard sales. I found a great cookbook for 50 cents at the one sale, and am looking forward to spending this rainy afternoon looking through it.

Difficult Submission May 22, 2008

The house stuff yesterday got me thinking about difficult submission.  So often, people think its the sex, humiliation, pain stuff that’s the most difficult to submit too.  I know that’s the stuff that fuels the fantasies of both Masters and slaves, but from my experience those aren’t nearly as difficult as some of the bigger life stuff or the little stupid stuff a person would never even think about.  The sex, humiliation, pain stuff is difficult but its also erotic, and its that sensuality that makes it doable.

Its submitting to the big life stuff you couldn’t possibly have predicted before you agreed to be His slave that really throws a slave for a loop.  Its submitting to His desires even though you passionately want to do the opposite.  Its sucking it up and dealing and not acting like a child that takes real determination and commitment.  Dealing with the fact that Master’s decision to make an offer or not on a home that you really love is up to Him alone, and you’re going to have to deal with that no matter what takes some serious resolve and tongue biting.

It’s the little stuff too.  It’s dealing with the fact that He’s drinking all that fresh pressed apple cider and not caring one single bit if you as His slave gets any.  It’s dealing with the fact that things aren’t fair, and you can’t really go about stomping your feet and slamming doors when you don’t get your own way.  Its the suffering in silence because you know the whining won’t get you anywhere fast, anyway that is a billion times more difficult than suffering some new humiliation that turns Him on.

As a slave, I’m fully aware of what I’ve agreed to and am 100% sure of who and what I am, that doesn’t mean it always comes easily.  I’m still human and while I do want what Master wants, sometimes I want what I want too, and its the fear that He won’t care about what I want that scares me every now and then.  Its amazing how the dread factor is always worse than the actual situation.  I was so sure yesterday that I knew how Master would react that the 90 minutes before I could talk to Him was pure torture, in the most un-entertaining way possible.  When I was able to talk to Master, He proved once again why He is a capable Master and once again I need to trust in Him and lay things at His feet, before getting myself all worked up.

Surprise, Suprise May 21, 2008

We had some house drama this afternoon.  I was terrified that we might have to walk away.  Thankfully, Master has decided its no big deal, we’ll make it work.  It’s a little different way we have to go about the needed repairs for the mortgage but no big deal at all.  I was so nervous about it, all options frankly sucked.  Master however, surprised me with His calmness and attitude.  I was preparing myself to submit to whatever He decided, and of course, preparing for the worst.  How is it after 8 years, He can still surprise me so?  I’m a very lucky slavegirl.

A very public thanks to my dear friend Robin, you really helped talked me down from a rather overdramatic state of mind.

 

Unspoken Communication May 16, 2008

I think I’m very intune with my Master.  We’ve been together a little while now (8 years tomorrow), so we have enough experience with each other to read body language, emotions, etc.  Its amazing to me sometimes the amount of communication that goes on without speaking.

Master is deaf in one ear, so sometimes He has a hard time hearing people, especially in places where there is a lot of background noise.  He has a way of looking at me when He didn’t quite hear what was said, that lets me know to repeat it to Him.  I can tell right away what He needs and I know how to help, I like that and so does He.

When Master is stressed or overwhelmed, I feel it.  I take it on and try to find ways to bring pleasure and offer help, when appropriate.  When Master is sad, I weep.  When His father died, I felt that sadness so deeply for Him.  When Master is happy, I laugh with the gladness.  There is, of course, “the look” too, but that’s not what this post is about.

I take it all on, as if its my own emotions coming from within.  This is a blessing and a curse.  It means I’m deeply in tune with my Master, which is good.  It also means, I’m not sure how to handle my own emotions sometimes without His lead, and that can be bad.  I can be exceedingly happy, however; if He’s stressed or overwhelmed my own happiness is overshadowed.  Conversely, if I’m sad, His happiness overshadows my sadness bringing me joy.

I suppose in the end, that’s my job.  Help absorb Master’s life so that I can bring Him pleasure and joy and in some way make His life a little easier.  The trick for me is make sure that I help in a way that is submissive and not in a way that leads to me doing things in the guise of helping that get in the way of obedience and submission.

Typical Day May 15, 2008

A typical weekday for me starts at 4:30 AM, and I hit the ground running.  A typical day for me starts with making coffee (can any day start without making coffee?), then while it brews I go to the gym and work out.  I come home shower, fix breakfast for Master and I, pack our lunches, get ready for work, etc.  Master and I chat a lot in the mornings, plan, etc.  We both go to work and both get home around 5:30.  I make dinner and the night can take on various directions, generally there’s some kind of service for Master, chores, etc. then bed. 

Weekends invariably take on different forms.  Master likes to have coffee in bed on weekends while I worship His feet and cock before starting the days.  Weekends are full of chores, hobbies, and fun.

These days aren’t exactly the fantasy of days I thought would be the life of a slave, before I was one.  I thought my typical days would look so much different, so less ordinary.  However, as I get closer to the anniversary of my 8th year as Master’s slave, I know that the typical fantasy day doesn’t hold a candle to the typical ordinary day I live.  I’m so grateful for all the ordinary, even if our ordinary is still a little left of center.

 

Anxious May 10, 2008

We’ve been approved by the seller’s bank.  Now, the entire inspection process begins, hopefully that holds no suprises and we can close by June 10th.  Its an interesting time, the amount of times I’ve had to bite my tongue has been amazing.

I’m anxious and excited, I focus on all the great things that could happen (huge garden, better pantry space, extra shop space for Master (possibly dungeon space).  Master thinks about all the things that could go wrong, He’s worried about different things and while I understand they are valid concerns, I worry less and maybe thats just because I want it so much.

I’m trying to remain focused on just what’s in front of me and not to get too far ahead.  In that light, today I’m baking sourdough bread, canning some homemade chicken stock, starting some beef stock from bones that I’ve been saving in the freezer, and possibly finishing some sewing projects.  Master has other things He wants to do and this will keep me out of HIs hair and yet serving His home.

 

Becoming April 25, 2008

(I’m moving from another blog host, so I’m going to post some of my favorite entries here now and then)

I’ve spent a great deal of time lately thinking about the woman and slave i want to be. This should go without saying, but of course, i want to be the woman and the slave Master wants me to be first and foremost. In the end only His satisfaction truly matters because in His satisfaction, His happiness, i find my own.

Lately things seem to be clicking more for me, things i’ve wanted, the woman i’ve always wanted to be are happening. In thinking about that i realize that alot of that is true because of the positive reinforcement, discipline, and freedom granted me through my slavery and Master’s guidance. i’m a bit of an idealist (ok a huge idealist) and a dreamer, i come up with all sorts of plans and ideas for different things. However, historically i have lacked discipline to make any of it come true. Master helps me formulate plans, guides me into what is realistic and what kind of time & money He’s willing to let me put into something. When i get excited about new shelving or garden layouts, He helps me with the mechanics of it all and makes sure that everything is stable and safe. He makes sure i understand the commitment involved and generally allows me to move forward unless the idea is too costly for the return, dangerous or unfeasible. i honestly think one of Master’s biggest jobs is protecting me from myself.

The thing i’m learning is that the woman i’ve always wanted to be for the most part is exactly the woman He wants and the woman He encourages to grow. He’s given me the freedom to not worry about anything and turn it over to Him. Do i still worry, of course sometimes but it’s less then ever before. He’s given me the freedom and the rule to express myself, my hopes, my dreams, my fears without the fear of being rejected or degraded for them in fact i’m more highly treasured when i do.

He reinforces my getting fit/loosing weight routine just by constantly letting me know how good i’m doing. He provides discipline with small lectures and not letting me sleep in and missing a work out, even though my own desire to do so rarely happens. He reinforces my desire to be a good homemaker and slave by on occasion calling me after He eats His packed lunch letting me know how good it was. He provides structure and discpline so that i don’t overbook my time and can take great pleasure in packing His lunch or cleaning His home. The simple words “good girl” that come from Him during a new or difficult task give me enough positive reinforcement to try harder, to do better.

Master’s rules, discipline, and of course punishment when necessary guide me into becoming the slave He desires, the slut that craves His cock, the little girl that lives for making Him smile, the assitant whose only desire to serve and make His life easier. Yet in the process of living to serve and please Him, i’ve discovered the woman i’ve always wanted to be. i’m the gardener, the homemaker, the baker, the (very) small business owner, the quilter, the seamstress, and so much more.